Wen I Wuz Eating

Genghis Khan
wen suddenly materialize before me

in da fast food restaurant
wen I wuz eating my meal.

He told me dat he wen kill moa warriors
and bagged moa women

den I could evah hope to
in one hundred lifetimes.

I wuzn’t impressed

and I wuz actually moa irritated
wen he kept asking me

why I nevah like mayonnaise
on my burger.

He keep pressing da issue
on how much he enjoyed it

so I had to tell him
if he liked it so much

den moa bettah
he go order one foa himself.

Genghis got angry wit me

and two huge bodyguards wit axes
instantaneously appeared at his side

and dey wuz staring me down.

I told him and da adah guys,

“Eh, Temujin,

no try muscle in on me wit your goons
especially wen I minding my own business.”

Da buggah went ballistic
wen he heard dat

and started ranting and crying
cause I wen use his kid name

dat wen remind him
of his rough and unfortunate boyhood.

I heard he had to wear wun big yoke
around his neck foa awhile

but I nevah have anyting to do wit dat.

Howevah

making him aware of his past
wen work foa me

cause Genghis

went storming out
da front door of da fast food restaurant

taking his bodyguards wit him.

Now I could at least enjoy my meal
in peace.

Dats wat I taught

until Attila the Hun
came out of da restroom

and sat down in front of me.

Maybe because of his bloody reputation

he kept asking me
ovah and ovah again

why I put so much ketchup
on my French fries.

I almost wen answer him

wen Alexander the Great
wen burst into da front door

and immediately pushed to da front
of da line

so he could order wun strawberry shake
and wun new world taco.
I tell you

dis is da last time
I coming to dis place on Halloween.

 

Joe Balaz has created works in American English and Hawaiian Islands Pidgin (Hawai’i Creole English). He presently lives in Cleveland, Ohio, and he is the author of Pidgin Eye.